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Being a mom

I wish I acted like a better mom.  Maybe it's because of the thoughts that go through my head when posting on Facebook, but I just don't feel like an awesome mom when it comes to my baby girl.  I don't know .. .mediocre. maybe?!  I see Alex and her letting the girls explore the world somewhat freely.  Safely, but freely.  Let's them make some messes (to an extent), and just other things.  Me... I wanna know what Eden is doing, where she is, what's she's into, everything.  Maybe I just push too hard.  Maybe that is my job.  Sometimes, no a lot of times anymore I don't feel good enough for anything.  Relationship, work, parenting, friend, family member, ... I am writing on here, well because I don't think anyone reads these.  So it's a good place for me to go to vent out my frustration, worries, depression, without being judged by people on facebook.

May. 25th, 2012

So ultimately I am pissed off.  At myself, the world, and some individuals.  I am having some trouble dealing with my emotions right now, and it's getting to my head.  Hasn't been this clouded since I was 17, and well if you've been around long enough you know what happened there.  I don't feel welcomed anywhere.  Facebook sometimes, but that's because people can freely say their feelings and not act with actions.  Such as "I'm here to listen", but then you talk and it sounds like crickets.

Dad and I got into it today.  So to start this off let me recap what today was like when I showed up at his house.  I have lost my voice after being sick for the last 5 days.  Austins graduation was tonight.  The plan was to let Eden finish her dinner, pick up mom, dad, Chris, and Starla, and go to the ceremony.  Eden is eating, and I am focused on her because she wants to stand in the chair.  Chris and Dad walk into the kitchen at the same time.  Chris is looking towards dad who is looking towards Chris.  So my assumption was Chris was talking to dad.  We don't speak, mostly because of me, but  apparently today wasn't one of those days.  He said "Starla got me a girl today at the Olan mills.  She is one of the photographers."  The walks out the door.  Dad says "Well you could have at least fucking acknowledged him."  I told him I didn't know he was talking to me.  He says "Bullshit." 

In the other room I can hear Starla asking why I am whining.  Mom and Grandma are trying to explain to her that I have lost my voice.  Mom comes in to see what is going on.  Just as I start to tell her dad walks back in.  He sees me crying and asks "What is your problem?"  "You pissed me off." I said.  "Oh whatever you crybaby." he yelled.  Pissed off and frustrated I threw my cup into the sink.  It exploded soda out of it and went all over the counter.  "I'll clean it up." I told him.  Again as I tried to explain to mom what happened he said "Then she just fucking ignored him."  "I didn't know he was talking to me!" I yelled back.  "I'm not dealing with this today, you don't need to come over here and start  a bunch of shit." he yells again.  "What shit! I didn't come over here to start shit.  I came over here to pick you all up to go to the graduation." I fought back.  "Fuck it just leave, just get out." he yelled madly.  "I'll get out and I won't come back.  I don't need this in my life."  I replied.  "Fine leave, I don't fucking care anymore. I'm so tired of this shit!" he yelled still angry. 

I am in tears, I was in the process of throwing our trash away when he yelled again "Leave!"  Confused and upset I gave him large eyes and said "You have never spoke to me this way, and there is no reason for you to start today.  I don't know how many ways to fucking tell you I didn't know he was talking to me.  I am not a fucking mind reader.  I wasn't even looking in his direction.  I thought he was talking to you."  I grabbed Eden with my mom holding onto me telling me to stay.  I was so shaken up and mad that I just kept saying "Let me go, I'm going home."  "Fuck this I don't need it.  I don't need it.  He wants to run off the only child that doesn't treat him like a piece of shit then it's his fucking loss." 

He is so angry that I can't give Chris ANOTHER chance.  I am tired of giving that P.O.S. chances.  Give it up already I don't want anything to do with Chris ever!  I wish Chris was out of my life completely.  I just read one of his posts on Facebook from Phils acct that comments about a news article.  The article reads "Two parents leave house to do drugs leaving toddler to care for infant."  He comments how horrible it is, and how could someone do that to their children.  Oh the fear they must have had.  What he doesn't remember is, he use to leave Tori locked in his bedroom as an infant, take the monitor to the neighbors and get fucked up.  She'd be in there crying we can't get into her, and have to go get him to help her.  He stays for 5-10 minutes, and leaves to get fucked up again.  Needless to say while this goes on Dad is in bed.  He is always in bed early, so he rarely got to see what mom and I did.  Only hear about it, believe or not believe what we said, or wake up to the middle of it pissed off at everyone. 

I'm so angry with Dad.  Angry for him being mad at me carelessly today, angry at him for not believing the truth we have told him through the years.  Angry that he defends Chris regardless of his ridiculous past and present.  I just read a comment, "Don't mix bad words with bad moods.  You will get many opportunities to change moods, but you won't get opportunities to change the words spoken."

To my friend Jim

This update is for my friend Jim who skipped Myspace, but thankfully went to Facebook because we can still keep in touch.  He's one of the good memories from my past and present.perfectscore

Okay

I haven't used this journal in sooo long. That's okay. I have been on myspace all this time and there are plenty of blogs there. So, I read through most of the journals that were on the first page...I saw Sara's pic of my car in the snow. My old car. I am surprised she still has it. It was the booze mobile. hehehe...Oh the stories I have about life with that car. Yay, memories. hahaha. She deleted me as her friend from both myspace and lj...sooo if she gets this cool if not...well yeah...okay... Anywho! Christmas is in what...um...like 5 days...almost 4. I am excited yet I am not. I am because that is a week off work, the Christmas spirit, and family. I not because it will come to an end and I will be back at work(hopefully). I think that there will be an argument Christmas Eve between several family members. This is a great time of year why would people want to spend it arguing over some petty shit? I don't get it. I am going to go and check out all the new things they added to LJ since the last time I got on here.
Long time no talk...haha. So much has happened lately. Went on vacation to North Carolina and hiked in the mountains. Job searching right now because by the end of the year I most likely won't have one. If I could find something decent making about 14 an hour I would be peachy! 12 Minumum. My niece was born September 20th. I got another car last month.

I want to go drinking this weekend either saturday or sunday. Preferrably saturday. Anywho, I want to get a ton of people to meet at a bar. If I could get at least 6 people together that would be fun. More is even better. Shoot some pool, tell some jokes, catch up, and well...HMM...DRINK.

I have been so aggravated lately. For example I feel like throwing the computer out of the window because I keep making typing errors and having to retype and retype...ugh. Another example is ...my mom washing the dishes and me hearing the plates screeching, the water running, and her trying to talk to me just makes me want to scream. Time to go to bed I think.

Not Your Typical Survey - I HOPE!! :D

Created by rosesforann and taken 28 times on bzoink!

No one wants to hear all your personal stats for the 209th time, so:
Have you ever been high on serotonin?what's that
Do you know what serotonin is?hmmm
What colour comes to mind when you hear the following words?
Joypink
Sadnessblue
Boyblue
Madnessred
Coyyellow
Gladnessgreen
Royugh...ex boyfriend
Ditz (sorry for the disharmony, but I'm out of 'adness words)me
Food
Would you shoot a bucket of popcorn?sure
Elvis liked peanut butter and banana sandwiches. Make a comment:I love em too
Elvis did not like Priscilla to wear big floral print dresses. MakeComment:she looked fat
Cocoanuts
Would you like a lovely bunch of cocoanuts?yes in a drink...alcoholic drink
Do you know:
That feather boas were not a staple of the classic Hollywood fashion scene?didn't know that
That Lars is spelt L-A-R-S but Thorwald needs no spelling?hmmm didn't know that
Finally:
Do you think that I was high on serotonin when creating this survey?maybe
You're wrong - I don't drink much milk. Make comment.cum
Are you glad you can go now?no
Oh, wait, it is forcing me to add more questions.
Name:confused
Height:short
Colour of fingernails:pink

Create a Survey | Search Surveys | Go to bzoink!

I have betrayed my livejournalness...I have been wrapped up in myspace because it's been a little easier to talk to people on it. You can tell when they are on and bulletins are a lot like journals...there's just more you can do with it.

I am falling for someone, but don't really know how to approach it considering the circumstances when it comes to asking them how they feel about me. Hmmm...I will figure that out with time I assume.

Boy Genius wanted to fight with me the other day...his only comeback that he could conjure up was how Dennis was a "child molester". Hmm I don't ever remember sleeping with him underage... It was a comment from the left field when you consider what he was initially bickering about. Dennis and I are still broken up by the way. Since May for those who haven't heard recently. Too much crap.

I have an old friend who has been iming me lately telling me how much head she has been giving and how many guys she has been fucking and the drugs and drinking and...and ...and...it is just like being in junior high again. You'd think the older people get, they would become smarter. Not in this case I guess. I think she might be a little clueless to the consequences of casual sex.

I am sure everyone on here can tell a story from their own personal lives that had a consequence in the matter. It is so weird...a girl who was a goody two shoes in school as long as I was there became so.....okay...trashed. I hate saying that about someone because she is still a nice person I just don't agree with her choices right now. Yet, it's her life so whatever.

Jessica and Gabriel John

Amber and Gabe

and last but not least,,, the moment you all have been waiting for,,,yes...it's me....HOLDING GABRIEL

AMBER AND I HELPED CASS PAINT HER ROOM...THIS WAS THE FINAL LOOK ON ONE OF THE WALLS...

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